Olbermann Pulled from Anchor Chair Because He
Posed a Health Risk to Children
by William Satire
Spolitics.com has discovered the real reason why MSNBC's Keith
Olbermann was pulled from the network's anchor chair and it had
nothing to do with a perceived bias in his coverage. The real reason
was much more serious. Olbermann posed a serious health risk to his
viewers.
The saga began long before Olbermann's convention coverage when a
young mother saw her infant convulse into seizures and eventually pass
out. At first, the mother -- a devoted Democrat and long-time
Countdown viewer -- had no idea what caused it. She took her
daughter to the doctor, but he too was stumped -- all the tests came
back negative.
The doctor referred the matter to neurologists at the University of
California, Irvine and after months of intense studies, scientists there
were finally able to identify the culprit: Keith Olbermann.
According to researchers who worked on the case, the infant only
seized when her mother was watching Olbermann's show. Initially,
researchers theorized that the cable news anchor's grating voice was
causing the problem, but that theory didn't hold up under testing.
Eventually they were able to narrow it down to an even more unlikely
source -- Olbermann's chaotic head movements. It turns out that, as
he opines, Olbermann moves his head so wildly it can cause seizures in
infants.
According to the lead researcher who briefed Spolitics.com on the
issue: “Infants do not see shapes that well. Mostly what they see is
light and dark. So when you have a giant head like Olbermann’s
moving around in spastic motions, it can look a lot like a strobe light to
an infant.”
Added another researcher: “The effect is similar to the Japanese
cartoons that caused seizures in youngsters over a decade ago.”
Still, it appeared to be an isolated case until Olbermann began covering
the convention and attracting a larger audience. Suddenly, infants were
seizing all over the nation.
“What we learned,” said the lead researcher, “is if you have a young,
undeveloped mind, watching Olbermann can fry your brain.”
“In fact,” the researcher continued, “we’re even seeing signs that
watching Olbermann can have a detrimental effect on the health of
adults, too. Only in those cases the victims suffer from extreme nausea
and sometimes vomiting.”
After they were able to confirm that Olbermann did in fact pose a
serious health risk, scientists quickly alerted MSNBC to the problem.
The network responded promptly by pulling Olbermann from their
anchor chair, but kept silent about their reasons. They also decided to
keep Olbermann on air as the host of Countdown. This has upset the
mothers of the affected children who feel the network should be doing
more to protect children.
"They're trying to cover this up. Parents have a right to know just how
dangerous Keith Olbermann is to the health of their children," said one
mother who's infant became ill. "It's not enough to just silently recall
Obermann like a defective Chinese toy. Serious damage has been
done to a lot of young minds and many parents are still not aware of
this risk."
Dissatisfied with NBC's silence and their decision to keep Olbermann
on the air, scientists are doing their best to spread awareness
themselves. They are warning parents with young children not to
subject them to Olbermann viewings. In fact, to be safe, scientists are
recommending that no one watch Olbermann's show until they can
more accurately assess just how damaging he might be to human health.
When asked to comment on the situation, one of Olbermann's peers
said he hadn't heard about the health hazard Olbermann posed to the
public until we told him about it. But he wasn't surprised. "Makes
sense," he said. "Olbermann makes me sick, too. The man's like a
human bobble-head doll."
Posed a Health Risk to Children
by William Satire
Spolitics.com has discovered the real reason why MSNBC's Keith
Olbermann was pulled from the network's anchor chair and it had
nothing to do with a perceived bias in his coverage. The real reason
was much more serious. Olbermann posed a serious health risk to his
viewers.
The saga began long before Olbermann's convention coverage when a
young mother saw her infant convulse into seizures and eventually pass
out. At first, the mother -- a devoted Democrat and long-time
Countdown viewer -- had no idea what caused it. She took her
daughter to the doctor, but he too was stumped -- all the tests came
back negative.
The doctor referred the matter to neurologists at the University of
California, Irvine and after months of intense studies, scientists there
were finally able to identify the culprit: Keith Olbermann.
According to researchers who worked on the case, the infant only
seized when her mother was watching Olbermann's show. Initially,
researchers theorized that the cable news anchor's grating voice was
causing the problem, but that theory didn't hold up under testing.
Eventually they were able to narrow it down to an even more unlikely
source -- Olbermann's chaotic head movements. It turns out that, as
he opines, Olbermann moves his head so wildly it can cause seizures in
infants.
According to the lead researcher who briefed Spolitics.com on the
issue: “Infants do not see shapes that well. Mostly what they see is
light and dark. So when you have a giant head like Olbermann’s
moving around in spastic motions, it can look a lot like a strobe light to
an infant.”
Added another researcher: “The effect is similar to the Japanese
cartoons that caused seizures in youngsters over a decade ago.”
Still, it appeared to be an isolated case until Olbermann began covering
the convention and attracting a larger audience. Suddenly, infants were
seizing all over the nation.
“What we learned,” said the lead researcher, “is if you have a young,
undeveloped mind, watching Olbermann can fry your brain.”
“In fact,” the researcher continued, “we’re even seeing signs that
watching Olbermann can have a detrimental effect on the health of
adults, too. Only in those cases the victims suffer from extreme nausea
and sometimes vomiting.”
After they were able to confirm that Olbermann did in fact pose a
serious health risk, scientists quickly alerted MSNBC to the problem.
The network responded promptly by pulling Olbermann from their
anchor chair, but kept silent about their reasons. They also decided to
keep Olbermann on air as the host of Countdown. This has upset the
mothers of the affected children who feel the network should be doing
more to protect children.
"They're trying to cover this up. Parents have a right to know just how
dangerous Keith Olbermann is to the health of their children," said one
mother who's infant became ill. "It's not enough to just silently recall
Obermann like a defective Chinese toy. Serious damage has been
done to a lot of young minds and many parents are still not aware of
this risk."
Dissatisfied with NBC's silence and their decision to keep Olbermann
on the air, scientists are doing their best to spread awareness
themselves. They are warning parents with young children not to
subject them to Olbermann viewings. In fact, to be safe, scientists are
recommending that no one watch Olbermann's show until they can
more accurately assess just how damaging he might be to human health.
When asked to comment on the situation, one of Olbermann's peers
said he hadn't heard about the health hazard Olbermann posed to the
public until we told him about it. But he wasn't surprised. "Makes
sense," he said. "Olbermann makes me sick, too. The man's like a
human bobble-head doll."
| The stories on Spolitics.com are made up for entertainment purposes. Spolitics.com maintains that nothing on this site is accurate. Anything that happens to be accurate is purely accidental, coincidental or both and Spolitics.com will fire the writer responsible. Copyright © 2008 Spolitics.com. All Rights Reserved. |
| Scientists used clips of Keith Olbermann ranting to demonstrate that repeated viewings of Olbermann can have serious and detrimental effects on the health of infants and even adults. |