Global Warming May Be Causing Bigger Flip-
Flops
by William Satire
Call it the season of flip-flips. There have been many and they have
been powerful. Flips-flops are not a new phenomena. They’ve been
around for decades, occurring in two years sub-cycles and four year
major cycles. But this year, and especially in the past few weeks,
they seem to be occurring more frequently and with greater
devastation. Voters have been left confused and wondering what’s
causing it all, but climatologists now believe they have found the
culprit: global warming.
Flip-flops are known to begin with pockets of hot air -- also known
as “inartful statements” -- that when combined with high pressure
systems around Washington D.C. erupt into full-fledged flip-flops.
What scientists didn’t discover until recently is that global warming
seems to be making matters worse.
According to scientists at the Global Warming Causes Everything
Foundation (GWCEF), there has been an increase in the amount of
flip-flops that directly corresponds with warming temperatures. “A
few months ago, there were hardly any flip flops,” said GWCEF
chair, Alan Gorf. “However, due to global warming, we have seen
temperatures rise dramatically over the past two months and with
these higher temperatures, we’re also seeing a dramatic increase in
the amount of -- and the size of -- flip-flops recorded.”
We asked Gorf to explain to us exactly how global warming is
causing these flip-flops: “The warmer the temperatures get, the
harder it is for politicians to remember where they stand on an issue
until eventually, it’s so hot outside, they flip-flop. ‘Am I for or
against gun control? I can’t remember. It’s too damn hot.’”
While Senator John McCain has racked up his share of flip-flops, it
was Senator Barack Obama’s multiple giant flip-flops that first
alarmed climatologists. According to scientists, it was normal to see
category 2 flip-flops, sometimes a category 3. However, recently
they registered Obama’s two category 5 flip-flops -- one on
campaign finance and the other on FISA. Experts have also identified
signs that another category 5 Obama flip-flop is developing in the
Persian Gulf and may make landfall in the U.S. by the end of July.
It’s shaping up to be the largest flip-flop ever recorded.
-- continued below--
“This is unheard of,” said Gorf. “And quite frankly it scares the crap
out of me.” Gorf and other climatologists are predicting the situation
is going to get much worse.
But Democrat insiders maintain it’s not Obama’s fault. “It’s global
warming,” said one California congresswoman who would only
speak on condition of anonymity because she knew her ideas were
boneheaded. “If anyone is to blame for Obama’s flip-flops, George
W. Bush is for his failed energy policies. If Al Gore was elected back
in 2000, we wouldn‘t have global warming today and Barack Obama
would be able to stay consistent on the issues.”
Climatologists are also seeing flip flops where they didn’t see them
before. Perhaps the oddest was Obama’s flip-flop on of all things,
patriotism -- a flip-flop so bizarre it left climatologists baffled.
“Clearly there is something else at play here,” said Gorf. “It’s almost
as if the senator is a different person than he was in May. If current
trends continue, come November voters will have absolutely no idea
where Barack Obama stands on any of the issues and the damage
may be irreversible. There’s only one possible explanation for this:
global warming.”
Flops
by William Satire
Call it the season of flip-flips. There have been many and they have
been powerful. Flips-flops are not a new phenomena. They’ve been
around for decades, occurring in two years sub-cycles and four year
major cycles. But this year, and especially in the past few weeks,
they seem to be occurring more frequently and with greater
devastation. Voters have been left confused and wondering what’s
causing it all, but climatologists now believe they have found the
culprit: global warming.
Flip-flops are known to begin with pockets of hot air -- also known
as “inartful statements” -- that when combined with high pressure
systems around Washington D.C. erupt into full-fledged flip-flops.
What scientists didn’t discover until recently is that global warming
seems to be making matters worse.
According to scientists at the Global Warming Causes Everything
Foundation (GWCEF), there has been an increase in the amount of
flip-flops that directly corresponds with warming temperatures. “A
few months ago, there were hardly any flip flops,” said GWCEF
chair, Alan Gorf. “However, due to global warming, we have seen
temperatures rise dramatically over the past two months and with
these higher temperatures, we’re also seeing a dramatic increase in
the amount of -- and the size of -- flip-flops recorded.”
We asked Gorf to explain to us exactly how global warming is
causing these flip-flops: “The warmer the temperatures get, the
harder it is for politicians to remember where they stand on an issue
until eventually, it’s so hot outside, they flip-flop. ‘Am I for or
against gun control? I can’t remember. It’s too damn hot.’”
While Senator John McCain has racked up his share of flip-flops, it
was Senator Barack Obama’s multiple giant flip-flops that first
alarmed climatologists. According to scientists, it was normal to see
category 2 flip-flops, sometimes a category 3. However, recently
they registered Obama’s two category 5 flip-flops -- one on
campaign finance and the other on FISA. Experts have also identified
signs that another category 5 Obama flip-flop is developing in the
Persian Gulf and may make landfall in the U.S. by the end of July.
It’s shaping up to be the largest flip-flop ever recorded.
-- continued below--
“This is unheard of,” said Gorf. “And quite frankly it scares the crap
out of me.” Gorf and other climatologists are predicting the situation
is going to get much worse.
But Democrat insiders maintain it’s not Obama’s fault. “It’s global
warming,” said one California congresswoman who would only
speak on condition of anonymity because she knew her ideas were
boneheaded. “If anyone is to blame for Obama’s flip-flops, George
W. Bush is for his failed energy policies. If Al Gore was elected back
in 2000, we wouldn‘t have global warming today and Barack Obama
would be able to stay consistent on the issues.”
Climatologists are also seeing flip flops where they didn’t see them
before. Perhaps the oddest was Obama’s flip-flop on of all things,
patriotism -- a flip-flop so bizarre it left climatologists baffled.
“Clearly there is something else at play here,” said Gorf. “It’s almost
as if the senator is a different person than he was in May. If current
trends continue, come November voters will have absolutely no idea
where Barack Obama stands on any of the issues and the damage
may be irreversible. There’s only one possible explanation for this:
global warming.”
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| Climatologists say Barack Obama is blowing with the wind. |
