Kim Jong-il Is Preparing His Own Letter to Bush
by William Satire
sanctions against his country.
Here are some excerpts from the letter, translated from original Korean:
by William Satire
- NORTH KOREA -- Spolitics.com has
learned that Kim Jong-il is very upset by
the U.S.’s decision to talk with Iran.
According to our sources, who will remain
anonymous because speaking out could
cost them their lives, ever since the U.S.
announced its policy reversal, Kim Jong-il
has been preparing his own letter to Bush,
believing it was the Iranian president's
letter that led to the talks. Spolitics was
unable to obtain the entire letter as it is not
completed yet and still in the rough draft
phase, but we have received enough pages
to gain insight into Jong-il’s mindset and
sanctions against his country.
Here are some excerpts from the letter, translated from original Korean:
Mr. President, The Big Il [this is how all North Koreans must refer to Kim Jong-il] is upset to hear that you are willing to talk to the president of Iran but not The Big Ill. Iran has no nuclear missiles. Why would you talk with a country that has no nuclear missiles yet and not talk with a country that does have them? Is that the path of a man who believes in Jesus Christ? As your most famous civil rights leader Rodney King once said, “Can we not all get along, Mr. President.” Especially those of us with big missiles? told you, democracy is failing. Communist dictators with lots of missiles are the future of leadership, whereas capitalism will not endure much longer. Give The Big Il money to prop up his regime and he will prove to you that communism and missiles are the future of government. |
| As The Big Il is sure your spy satellites have told you, North Korea is getting ready to test another missile. The Big Il likes his missiles. The Big Il is told you like your missiles too Mr. President. The Big Il says, what is wrong with leaders liking their missiles? The Big Il likes all missiles of all types and sizes, including nuclear missiles. Is that wrong? Is that not the way of Jesus Christ? We are not so different, Mr. President. The Big Il has problems pronouncing the word “nuclear” as well. We can talk about that. |
| According to our sources, if his letter does not work, Kim Jong-il's back-up plan is to threaten to hold his breath until the U.S. lifts its sanctions against North Korea. |
| They tell The Big Il that you used to be a big drinker, Mr. President, but that you stopped when you found Jesus Christ. As The Big Il is sure your spy satellites have told you, Mr. President, The Big Il is a big drinker. The Big Il likes wine and cognac. The Big Il invites you to come drink with him, Mr. President. It will be fun. We can talk about our missiles. The Big Il is sure Jesus will not mind. They tell The Big Il that he liked wine. They say you are a cowboy, Mr. President, but The Big Il bets you he could drink you under the table like they do in your American movies. The Big Il liked John Wayne even though he had no missiles. The Big Il does not like Trey Parker. Please tell him if The Big Il catches him in North Korea The Big Il will kill him and feed him to his dogs and then The Big Il will kill and eat the dogs and then poo Mr. Parker out and send the poo to his mother so that she may be disgusted by her own son like The Big Il is of his movies. --letter continued below-- |
| The Big Il is said to like to get his drink on. One of his strategies appears to be to challenge President Bush to a drinking contest and then try and take advantage of him while he's in a drunken state, a strategy that reportedly worked with the South Koreans |
The Big Il asks you, Mr. President, if a leader has great big missiles and that leader likes and is proud of his missiles, should he not want to show his missiles to the world so that they may behold their glory as well? Your media calls this “saber rattling.” But we are not talking sabers. We are talking missiles. Do you not want to see The Big Il’s missiles, Mr. President? And how can you truly see them in all their glory if I do not use them? You have gotten to use your missiles in Iraq. Should I not get to use my missiles, too? I like to keep some of my smaller missiles in my bedroom. The ladies like them and, as The Big Il is sure your spy satellites have told you, The Big Il likes the ladies. Your American men would like the ladies here, too, Mr. President. There is so little food they are all very skinny, like you Americans like. And there is so little food because The Big Il uses all of his country’s money to buy his missiles. The Big Il's people are starving because you will not lift your sanctions against his good country so he can get money to buy more missiles. Is this the path of a man who believes in Jesus Christ? And now you say The Big Il should not use his missiles? While his people are going hungry? Wouldn’t that be wasteful of me, Mr. President? I say I should use my missiles if only to justify my people’s hunger. Perhaps you need a lesson on The Big Il’s country, Mr. President. |
This is where the letter ends in its current state. According to our
sources, Kim Jong-il is still filled with rage, a condition that has made it
difficult for him to concentrate on what he wants to say while maintaining
a civil tone. He hopes to finish the letter soon.
sources, Kim Jong-il is still filled with rage, a condition that has made it
difficult for him to concentrate on what he wants to say while maintaining
a civil tone. He hopes to finish the letter soon.
| The stories on Spolitics.com are made up for entertainment purposes. Spolitics maintains that nothing on this site is accurate. Anything that happens to be accurate is purely accidental, coincidental or both and Spolitics will fire the writer responsible. Copyright © 2006 Spolitics.com. All Rights Reserved. |
| Kim Jong-il has decided to try pen rattling as opposed to saber rattling |
